Tuesday, October 27, 2015

How the caterpillar became the butterfly ❤️

“You are altogether beautiful my darling, there is no flaw in you.”—Song of Solomon 4:7

I'm sitting here, with the wind and the sun, we've become pretty fond of each other this week. The ocean is literally across the street. The words out of my mouth sound so simple but they are hard to speak. I said, "I love you, but I don't understand you". Jesus hears those words but as I'm sitting here, I'm asking him to explain what I'm feeling. His answer isn't loud. It's not bold. But when I hear the car horns, and the sound of the wind, and the guy across the street with the lawnmower, it makes it real. He speaks with things like that. It reminds me that there are so many people in this world and every single one of them struggle. They struggle with insecurities. They battle depression, anxiety, and anger. They wake up in the mornings and sometimes don't know how. They feel what I've felt. They have felt alone in a crowded room just like we all have. I know I have my God above me who is with me every step of the way. Every heart beat, every breath, there he is making it all possible. I've wished on clocks, wish bones, and stars but I've had to learn that unless he thinks I'm ready, I'll continue to be on the waiting list. & I have to be honest, waiting is the hard part. I have this vision and I'm so eager to make it into a reality but I know patience is key. I've settled. I've settled down. I almost made it to the alter; but it's that "almost" that tells a story. A story that seems hard to talk about or think about sometimes, but it's necessary. Just like a dash on a tombstone. The dates they display aren't what is most important, it's the dash that holds all the memories. You win some, and you lose some. That's the thing about life. It's unpredictable. But no matter what you go through, you always bounce back. I don't think we ever give ourselves enough credit. We are constantly complaining about what we didn't do right, and what we could of done better, instead of just being proud we got out of bed. Some days, that's a pretty big accomplishment. I started thinking about my journey from a couple of years ago. The first big chapters in my life. I started thinking how powerful of an impact it's had on me. When I turned 18 I thought I knew what I was doing. I came home from work one day and told my parents the news. I was moving out and I didn't care what they said, and nobody was able to change my mind. The date approached quickly, and as nervous I was, I was excited. I mean after all I was engaged to be married so this had to be the right decision for me to do right? No. I was once again, wrong. You'll start to realize after a while how there is a consistent pattern here... Your parents do know what they are talking about. I learned that when we do things without asking God first, it usually doesn't work out the way we thought it would. I'm pretty convinced he has sat and watched me numerous times as he ate popcorn, shaking his head. We make mistakes and believe me, there is more trial and error in this process than a judge sees in court. I am the poster child for learning a million different things that don't work a million different ways. The things I talk about aren't because I've read them, it's because I've lived them. I've lived through the sudden death of the only living grandpa I had, and what a tragedy that was for me. I've seen my grandma get diagnosed with cancer. I remember the doubts that were spoken of even though she was hopeful, and because of the faith we kept, she's more alive now than ever. I've grown up as an only child to find out at the age of 10 I wasn't, and to find out our paths were meant to cross but were not meant to stay side by side. I wasn't meant to be an aunt quite yet then, but that is okay because I have been blessed with double for my trouble. I'm being absolutely and completely honest when I say I remember the days my heart was so broken. How angry I've been over the years when certain things have happened. Pointing fingers at God because I was in the mindset that he could of changed the outcome, instead of counting it as a blessing, but then I realized, everything I've been through was preparing me for what's to come and if I would of skipped any of those parts, the good stuff just wouldn't be as good. I've learned to forgive quicker, to stop holding grudges. I've learned that God can handle our attitudes towards him, because he's such a loving and forgiving father. I've learned to love deeper. To laugh louder. To smile more. I've learned that sometimes we go through things just so someone else won't have to. I've learned how worthy I am, how special I am, and that we all matter. This is your book. This is your life. This is your adventure. So, never let anyone steal your joy. Never let anyone drag you so far down that your mind comes up with the thought to hate them, because that isn't you. Hatred is evil and dark and the devil loves it. Don't give him that kind of satisfaction or recognition. I know what it's like to feel like you are so stuck that you don't think there is a way out but that's just negativity talking. There is so much to live for. Life is beautiful. The mountain you see in front of you is meant to teach you something. It's there for a reason, embrace it. You have a purpose. Your life has meaning. Stay the course. Trust the process. Keep the faith, & continue holding on... You will then see how the caterpillar becomes a butterfly. Never give up ❤️

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Life through my blue eyes.

Why did I become a member of satan's fan club for a week? What did I think I would receive there that I wouldn't through Jesus? These are the words I sent in a text message, while my eyes and cheeks were tear stained. The week prior was full of bad choices, and regrets. My heart was breaking knowing I put myself in this situation. Ladies & fellas, the next time you get an urge to do something you know could compromise your future and your peace of mind, listen to me when I say, it's overrated. Don't do it. I know sometimes we feel as if we're missing out on things that the world has to offer, but those things won't get us anywhere but a guaranteed spot in a hot room. I came up with a list of things I would change for the better, because when you're secretly hoping for something to happen, you are ready to give everything you have in trade for something else. They say when you flip a coin, when the coin goes up in the air you suddenly know which side you want to appear. I recently visited a friend of mine in the hospital, she had her new son bundled up in her arms, in awe of her creation, the same way God looks at and feels about us. It was a cold night, I about froze just getting In the car to head up there, but little did I know the weather would do its own thing. I peeped out the window of her hospital room, and before I knew it the entire hospital ground was covered with a blanket of snow. It was so peaceful, so quiet, so light, and then it hit me, it was meant for me. I know how silly that sounds but I believe it whole heartedly. Sometimes, things happen for us, as a promise, an encouragement, or even just as a friendly reminder. The bible says that our sins are like scarlet but they will be white as snow, and that evening, that's exactly what they were. My sins, my bad choices, my crazy moments, they were covered up like white out. And they were pure, they were soft, they weren't remembered. They were gone. Here I was, batteling with the decisions I had recently made, yet God still showed up and surprised me. I don't know what your struggle is right now, I don't know what you've done or where you've been, or what you are worried about, but if you learn something from me please know this; your story isn't over yet. I wish I could rescue every broken soul I come across. I wish I could comfort every hurt heart, and make them understand how wonderful they are. Every drug user, sex addict, assaulted person out there. Whatever your hardship may be, You aren't a victim, you're a survivor. My blue eyes have seen many things, some of them will never leave, and honestly I'm okay with that. Why? Because with the bad times also come the good ones. I've seen life taken away, I've seen people who try their best to get out because life is hard. I've seen people on their knees, praying, hoping, that the outcome of their current situation would be different. But also, I've watched new life be given, and those moments are what makes everything so peaceful again. Can I say something here? I don't know if you were planned or if your entrance was a surprise, but this is what I do know. You weren't a mistake. You aren't unwanted, or unappreciated, but instead you are loved, and you are important. You aren't a disappointment. You are not a waste of air. You are beautiful. You are needed. You are unique. You are you. Because of your appearance, someone else has a reason to smile. There will never be another even close to you. Isn't that really cool? Your quirks, your laughter, none of that can ever be imitated. Breathe easy my friend, life is precious, and so are you. 

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Rock bottom; a solid foundation

Often I wonder about the cards I was dealt, the hand I was given doesn't always seem fair. I know I'm blessed but sometimes my heart hurts by the loneliness it feels. God didn't forget about me so why does it seem like he has? I've learned that sometimes our questions may go unanswered, our problems don't always get fixed right away, but I know that joy comes in the morning, no matter how rocky your night was. There's a saying, "From the prison to the palace", it came from the Bible; also known as Life's greatest instruction manual. There was a guy named Joseph, and If you've ever felt like life was against you, you will feel better after you see all of the tests he was given. He went from the prison to the palace, and I'm sure if he had the chance to do it all over again, he probably would because the outcome was greater than his struggles. So let's talk about that, I know I'm not the only person who has felt that way. Life doesn't pick and choose who gets the good stuff and who doesn't, neither does God... It doesn't work that way. I've learned the hard way that sometimes we are in a mess because of our choices, other times we are in that mess because there is a lesson to be learned. I will say this though, don't blame God for anything bad you go through, because the devil is famous for plotting revenge on us due to his jealousy, it's never God's fault, please remember this. Once you are God's kid, you become untouchable, but that doesn't mean you won't get tested, trust me. You know those days where you wish you had water proof mascara because you seem to cry all of your make up off? Or you see an old picture of you and an old love and re play the entire relationship in your head? See, I told you I understand, all too well somedays. If theres one thing I'm proud of, it's the fact that I am not perfect. All of my imperfections are beautiful to me. All of the battle scars, the wrinkles on your forehead and even the mistakes you have made are all a part of a story. I have a scar on the top of my left hand. It's from when I was a baby, and was so sick that the hospital quickly became my home. This scar is from an IV I was given that didn't exactly go as planned, and although I am sure the pain I felt was miserable, I absolutely love looking at it. Why? Because it signifies the strength I had when I didn't even know I had any. So what do you do when you have reached rock bottom? I've heard you should tie a knot and hang on. I remember sitting in my former boss' office early one morning. I had just gotten off work from working my very first night shift. I knew I had things I needed to work on, But I was eager to become better. I was barely 19 years old and the rejection was real. I just wanted to help those who couldn't help themselves. I remember the conversation, about how I always smiled and was loved by many, BUT some of my flaws seemed to overrule any of that. After being given an ultimatum I decided with tear stained cheeks that I deserved better and I walked away. Shortly after that I was given another job opportunity and I took it... I've been there for a year and a half now. I guess what I am trying to say here is that your rock bottom isn't there to destroy you, your worst memories aren't there to haunt you. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for, and that's something I had to learn. That person who told you you're worthless, that significant other that said they didn't love you anymore, that negative voice that said you'll never make it, that job that told you they couldn't keep you, that family member that doesn't want anything to do with you... Listen to me when I say this, your destiny is not tied to anyone or anything that tries to harm you or leave you or even take away from becoming the person God has called you to be. Don't focus on the approval of flesh. If their approval was needed Christ wouldn't of selflessly died for us. I decided to start writing because sometimes I need inspiration and I've learned that there are times in our lives we have to be our own. I write because somewhere out there in this crazy beautiful world there is someone who feels just like I have. With writing a blog comes honesty, even when it's brutal or crutial or harsh, you have to be honest. Just like most of you, some of my days are dark, and just breathing is an achievement. But something I learned in church is that The Lord tests the righteous. I learned that Jesus could leave me alone, he could pave a road to success with no bumps, with no detours BUT what good would that be? That means he would of been satisfied with allowing me to settle, allowing to leave me without ever seeing my full potential.  Real talk, I've never met this awesome Jesus dude face to face but some day I will and I know his plan for me is greater than I could ever even imagine, he loves me too much to leave me the way I am, and the same thing goes for you. 

Monday, September 29, 2014

What do you do when you are saved but living in sin?

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." Psalm 32:8

I asked my mom this question. "What do you do when you are saved but living in sin?" You know, when your old life tries to sneak it's way back and pretend like it's you, when really it isn't. If I sat here and told you that I always lived my life according to God's ways I wouldn't be considered truthful, and Although some parts of my story isn't pretty they are all necessary. You don't skip chapters in a book or leave during the middle of the movie just because you don't like how it's going. My mom has never judged me. She's only loved me and supported me so ofcourse her answer was what I needed to hear. She answered with these words, "You will always stay stuck unless you make a decision to overcome". The truth is, I am still human and the devil tries to pick my flaws, insecurities, and past to make a problem. Which most of the time I can fight him off but sometimes it's just not as easy. There are days I don't have enough energy to say my name much less go battle the devil in combat. His tactics and skills are tricky. As a person who was saved at a young age and has loved Christ since I can remember, I have learned that Jesus doesn't expect you to be perfect. He took care of that for me. Thousands of years ago. I've also learned that I am forgiven. & I will not allow the enemy to make me forget that. Jesus wants me to learn from my wrong doing, so I can teach others and help them through theirs. There is nothing I can do to make Christ love me any more or any less than he does right now. So, that guilt you have, from two years ago or even yesterday, get rid of it. You are forgiven!! Jesus doesn't condemn, he convicts!! He doesn't turn his back on you because you weren't thinking properly or had a moment of weakness in your flesh. But he does require you to learn. Some of my best lessons so far have come from pain and heartache. Sounds silly huh? I didn't know it then but I wouldn't be who I am this very moment without all of those difficult times. God was preparing me for things I wasn't able to see. His rejection was actually preparation for better things to come. Thankfully I know that now. Sometimes we go through things just because of our sin. Sometimes we go through things to show others what not to do. God has a purpose in all things. When you take coal and put it completely to it's test, you put it under pressure and stress, the result is greater. You get a diamond! Seriously though, how crazy is it that you get something so special out of something so average. I think I just hit a point here. We are average on our own but with God's love and discipline, we shine brighter than we ever thought possible. You can withstand more than you ever imagined. Ladies & fellas, you are a diamond. You've been scratched up, scuffed up, and look at you still shining. The stress, the frustration, or whichever emotion you have on speed dial, do not allow it to intervene! God is our "car wash", allow him to cleanse you and make you brand new again.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

A little bit of Faith will get you a long way.


"Please God tell me you're listening. Please God tell me you hear" were the words I whispered to myslf early In the morning as I did everything I could to keep the tears from rolling down my face.

Those words were out of pure frustration, anger, and confusion. What am I suppose to do? What does God expect from me? These thoughts kept going on and on in my head. 

My daddy reached out to check on me as he always does and I told him my concerns, my worries. I questioned why God hasn't changed my situation. He simply texted back and said "He is working OT. Start trusting, stop doubting. That is your first test"

It couldn't of been more true. Here I am doubting the God who created the stars and the moon. The almighty who breathed life into me. He has suffered more than a couple of heart aches and emotional break downs. 

I'm not a love expert so I don't know much about relationships but I do know the foundation to a strong and successful one is first and formost, trust, with communication following right after. 

The same thing goes for God. You have to trust your partner. God is your life coach, your business partner, your financial investor. I've questioned my struggle more times than none, but I shouldn't. You shouldn't question what was meant for you. 

When a train goes through a tunnel, it doesn't shut down, The conductor doesn't encourage the passengers to jump off. Instead they are gently reminded the end of the tunnel is near, and the light will soon be shining through!

It was once said that the teacher is often quiet during the test. I've found this to be hard but very helpful. If the teacher talked to me throughout the test, how could I ever have the confidence to know I have what it takes to pass?

See, It's not that God isn't here with us and it's not that he isn't watching. It's that he trusts us more than we trust ourselves. 

He knows he has given you the strength and the knowledge to overcome all hurdles and obstacles you may have to jump over. He trusts you. So you need to trust you. 

Sometimes I feel like I don't have what it takes or I am not capable of certain things but even in the midst in all the chaos, I know that isn't true.

Just the other day I was having one of my moments while I was at work. I was flustered. I went to a leader. My leader. My inspiration.

I was given a few words I am able to hold onto when my days get cloudy.

She said to me "I rely on you greatly"

I wasn't expecting that because she is a lady of few words. But Those words boosted me back up and I was able to shake the negativity I was feeling.

If there is ever a time you feel low, I promise you God hasn't gone anywhere. He hasn't left you. He hasn't forgotten about you. His promises are too great for any of that. 

He sees the mountain you are climbing. He knows you are struggling. But he also sees what we cannot see. The top. Keep climbing. Keep going. Keep trying. You have everything you need to succeed.

"He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Waiting For My Tim Tebow



Don't let the title throw you off... As much as I would love for this to be the real Tim Tebow we're talking about here, sadly its just a phrase my mom came up with to keep me motivated in my season of singleness. After my engagement didn't work out my heart was severely bruised and I wasn't quite sure what my next step in life was going to be but I had to teach myself all over again that Jesus was going to give me the strength to pull through regardless the situation. As much as it hurt me I had to open my eyes to a simple but very important factor, God has already picked out "my person". Despite the decisions I make, he already knows way ahead of time how my "so called plans" I've made for myself will work out. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". No where in that scripture does it say "I know the plans YOU have for yourself, plans to give you hope and a future" so stop trying to intervene! Trust me on this one, I have plenty of practice in this field, patience really is a virtue. My sweet sisters (and brothers of course) God is not ignoring you and he didn't forget about you! He is simply waiting for the perfect time to show you the wonderful things he has in store for you. I know waiting is hard, I know it's frustrating, and I know it can feel hopeless but what I can tell you is when you wait for something so special and well deserved, most of the time the results of it being successful are much greater than trying to accomplish it on your own. At one point in my life I always thought my loneliness would go away if I found someone to distract me. I put my sadness and my hurt in guys who weren't capable of loving me. I wanted attention, I needed to know I was wanted or cared about, but can I tell you something? Going to a mate for attention because you are lonely isn't going to work out well for either one of you. If you don't love yourself first then how can someone else love you? Matter of fact if you don't love YOU then how can you fully love someone else either? There is no one on this entire earth that can fill the void of loneliness like God can. I've had many shaky moments about my single girl status and I'm not ashamed to say that. I've asked questions like how come I have to wait? Is something wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Time out here! The thoughts and questions I had are probably similar to some of the ones you've had. You are waiting because God isn't ready to introduce you to "your person" yet. You are waiting because his time in Heaven is much different then our time on earth. A year to us is only a few minutes in Heaven! I sighed when I was told that. Like ummm, what? You've got to be kidding me! (Ok let's get back on track here) There is a purpose in everything and I really believe that. If you ever think you're the only one waiting, I strongly encourage you to open up your bible and see that you are in great company! Waiting was the theme back then. In all honesty God doesn't make you wait to harm you or to punish you, he's doing it because he loves you more than you can ever grasp and he knows what's best for you. He's there today, tomorrow, and every day after that. He's a very busy fella! I have learned that this season of singleness is meant for me to build my relationship with him, it's his way of wanting to spend more time with me. Once I realized what God wanted from me I decided not to chase anyone anymore and not to date around. I use to have a type, I use to be very specific about what type of man I wanted, hate to break it to you but that idea eventually got shut down by my Heavenly daddy. When someone asks me now a days the very popular question, "what kind of guy are you interested in?" My reply isn't what they are expecting. When I talk about waiting for things I'm not just talking about relationships. I'm talking about the desires of your heart, your health, your healing, your ideas, your dreams. I know there are many things we all are waiting for wishing it would happen at this very moment but news flash, until God is absolutely ready, you will continue waiting. I will tell you this, God tests the righteous, he puts us through things on purpose to see if we will trust him. When I say you should try to pass the test the first time I'm not kidding, because I have had to learn the hard way... (oops, guilty) I remember having to renew my drivers license at 19 due to an accident that was my fault, see I told you I wasn't perfect. I knew I was set, after all I had been driving since I was 15, I mean duh, I clearly was an expert! Here I am at 19, just weeks before my 20th birthday getting ready to take the test again. I didn't study because I mean I was ready, right?? After all I was the girl who passed her learners on the first try. Well Guess what? I wasn't as mentally prepared as I thought I was. I failed this test miserably. I went back again, failed it. You probably see a pattern here! I was way past humiliated, I was on a whole different street at this point. After the third time failing this test, I had to go back to driving school. Eventually everyone in the DMV had waited on me, (not really but that's how it felt) I had to pray each time I would get a different DMV clerk. Oh and I forgot to mention that I took this awful test for the third time on my 20th birthday, yep that's right I wasn't able to drive after midnight. Two weeks with no license was a huge deal to me, I'm not use to relying on others for help, I try to do most things on my own, well BINGO! that was the test, that's what I think anyway. I learned to ask people for help and surprisingly they really did, they helped me, they had no problem with it at all. My daddy drove me to work those days, we bonded and I was able to save on gas money! It was a win win for the both of us! So, Anyway, I went to driving school and was able to take the test the next day, finally I passed! Whew. This was such a hard lesson to learn but it will always be embedded in my head. Moral of the story, never take things for granted, even something so simple as a drivers license. Allow people to help you. Allow God to be God and trust him.  To this day I feel as If God was protecting me from something bad happening If I were to of been behind the wheel immediately. I don't know that for certain but I know whatever reason, I am thankful for it today. It makes for an interesting story though. Brothers and sisters, My advice for you is this... When you feel like you have been skipped over, passed by, or forgotten about let me reassure you, you have not. If you ever doubt your worth or how loved you are I hope you realize how wonderful you are. You are a miracle. You are a blessing. When things aren't going the way you expected them to, go talk to God. He wants to hear from you. He knows our hearts but he loves hearing our words even more. As I always say, you were born on purpose and for a purpose. Waiting is good. From my heart to yours.



"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD" Psalm 27:14


My pastor (Destination Church) & I the night I decided to trust Jesus wholeheartedly again 

Saturday, August 16, 2014

I Was Born For This

When I was younger I fell down the bleechers at a baseball stadium, I tumbled down each step, so gracefully. It must of came naturally to me. I had everybody's attention and when I was able to pick myself back up I laughed about the entire thing. Laughter is important in this world especially at your most embarrasing moments. Tests are a big part of life too, as well as stumbling and falling. Sometimes we trip over things that are behind us, this signifies our past. Sometimes we trip over things that are currently in front of us, these things may be like big road blocks that seem to cause a "dead end", and sometimes we are given detours. Detours may take longer and may cause more frustration, but in the end you'll be thankful for them. I guarantee you the good Lord up above is doing all of this for a reason even when we can't understand it. Every wrong turn or re direction is a gift from him, be sure to listen and appreciate it. I've gotten angry at God more times than I am able to count. I've yelled and screamed at him, I've even told him how HE should do HIS job! I'm pretty sure he has way more qualifications than I do! I've made him feel like I know more about my future or what's best for me than he does. Here comes the buzzer. (I dont know how to type a buzzer sound but we can pretend) I was wrong when it came to me telling God what to do. I'm sure he looked down at me with a really funny face. A man who defeated death and rose again clearly doesn't need me telling him what to do. When I was born I learned what the term "fight for your life" really meant. I learned quickly how delicate life is. Honestly I shouldn't even be here today but then again actually yes I should. I have a story to tell. I am a firm believer in God giving us lessons in life just so we can help somebody else. I know things are tough more times than not but I realized early that life shouldn't be taken for granted even though we still do it. I was positioned feet first at birth which meant I had to be turned around quickly. When I was brought into this world I wasn't breathing. I was blue and looked lifeless, from what I hear anyway. From a young age I learned how to beat the odds, I learned how to fight harder than I ever had before. It wasn't me who allowed myself to be here today, it was my savior, my King of all kings. When it comes to hard times, trials, and tribulations you are not alone. God has done me more favors than a child gets at a birthday party. He has protected me from my wrong doings, He has allowed me new beginnings and more chances. I've learned a lot throughout the years. I've learned that we are responsible for our own happiness, no one will create it for us. I've learned that a little bit of faith and trust in our own self will go a long way. I've learned that kindness and smiles are contagious. I've learned that I am special, wonderful, and loved, that was a process in itself. I know we all have our own battles, our own stories but one thing we have in common is this; We are children of God. I was born a fighter, and so were you. I was born with difficulties but I made it, and so will you. Whatever you are facing, simple or hard, you matter. You never go unnoticed. You have a fella in the sky who cares so much for you. There are many more chapters in my life, ones I have no idea about yet, ones I may question when they get here but I am ready. I am ready to conquer the world because I have an awesome God that is leading the way. I was born for this and guess what? SO WERE YOU!