“You are altogether beautiful my darling, there is no flaw in you.”—Song of Solomon 4:7
I'm sitting here, with the wind and the sun, we've become pretty fond of each other this week. The ocean is literally across the street. The words out of my mouth sound so simple but they are hard to speak. I said, "I love you, but I don't understand you". Jesus hears those words but as I'm sitting here, I'm asking him to explain what I'm feeling. His answer isn't loud. It's not bold. But when I hear the car horns, and the sound of the wind, and the guy across the street with the lawnmower, it makes it real. He speaks with things like that. It reminds me that there are so many people in this world and every single one of them struggle. They struggle with insecurities. They battle depression, anxiety, and anger. They wake up in the mornings and sometimes don't know how. They feel what I've felt. They have felt alone in a crowded room just like we all have. I know I have my God above me who is with me every step of the way. Every heart beat, every breath, there he is making it all possible. I've wished on clocks, wish bones, and stars but I've had to learn that unless he thinks I'm ready, I'll continue to be on the waiting list. & I have to be honest, waiting is the hard part. I have this vision and I'm so eager to make it into a reality but I know patience is key. I've settled. I've settled down. I almost made it to the alter; but it's that "almost" that tells a story. A story that seems hard to talk about or think about sometimes, but it's necessary. Just like a dash on a tombstone. The dates they display aren't what is most important, it's the dash that holds all the memories. You win some, and you lose some. That's the thing about life. It's unpredictable. But no matter what you go through, you always bounce back. I don't think we ever give ourselves enough credit. We are constantly complaining about what we didn't do right, and what we could of done better, instead of just being proud we got out of bed. Some days, that's a pretty big accomplishment. I started thinking about my journey from a couple of years ago. The first big chapters in my life. I started thinking how powerful of an impact it's had on me. When I turned 18 I thought I knew what I was doing. I came home from work one day and told my parents the news. I was moving out and I didn't care what they said, and nobody was able to change my mind. The date approached quickly, and as nervous I was, I was excited. I mean after all I was engaged to be married so this had to be the right decision for me to do right? No. I was once again, wrong. You'll start to realize after a while how there is a consistent pattern here... Your parents do know what they are talking about. I learned that when we do things without asking God first, it usually doesn't work out the way we thought it would. I'm pretty convinced he has sat and watched me numerous times as he ate popcorn, shaking his head. We make mistakes and believe me, there is more trial and error in this process than a judge sees in court. I am the poster child for learning a million different things that don't work a million different ways. The things I talk about aren't because I've read them, it's because I've lived them. I've lived through the sudden death of the only living grandpa I had, and what a tragedy that was for me. I've seen my grandma get diagnosed with cancer. I remember the doubts that were spoken of even though she was hopeful, and because of the faith we kept, she's more alive now than ever. I've grown up as an only child to find out at the age of 10 I wasn't, and to find out our paths were meant to cross but were not meant to stay side by side. I wasn't meant to be an aunt quite yet then, but that is okay because I have been blessed with double for my trouble. I'm being absolutely and completely honest when I say I remember the days my heart was so broken. How angry I've been over the years when certain things have happened. Pointing fingers at God because I was in the mindset that he could of changed the outcome, instead of counting it as a blessing, but then I realized, everything I've been through was preparing me for what's to come and if I would of skipped any of those parts, the good stuff just wouldn't be as good. I've learned to forgive quicker, to stop holding grudges. I've learned that God can handle our attitudes towards him, because he's such a loving and forgiving father. I've learned to love deeper. To laugh louder. To smile more. I've learned that sometimes we go through things just so someone else won't have to. I've learned how worthy I am, how special I am, and that we all matter. This is your book. This is your life. This is your adventure. So, never let anyone steal your joy. Never let anyone drag you so far down that your mind comes up with the thought to hate them, because that isn't you. Hatred is evil and dark and the devil loves it. Don't give him that kind of satisfaction or recognition. I know what it's like to feel like you are so stuck that you don't think there is a way out but that's just negativity talking. There is so much to live for. Life is beautiful. The mountain you see in front of you is meant to teach you something. It's there for a reason, embrace it. You have a purpose. Your life has meaning. Stay the course. Trust the process. Keep the faith, & continue holding on... You will then see how the caterpillar becomes a butterfly. Never give up ❤️
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